It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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