You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
