at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
