dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
