You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
