If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
