my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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