I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
