I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
