Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
