I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
