Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
