There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
