I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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