Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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