you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
