My brain says no but my pants say off.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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