it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
