I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
