If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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