I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
