i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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