when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
