Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
