nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
