My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my being single is dangerous.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The Olympian is in my bed
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