So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
