my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
