On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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