You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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