I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
