I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
