Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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