Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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