Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
