I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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