Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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