how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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