she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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