So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
