Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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