I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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