Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
