my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
