she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
