My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
