how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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