I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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