Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
