Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
